I came across this document in the puddle of old files I was perusing last night. I have no recollection where it came from or why it was written…but could not stop laughing at its timeless humor. Enjoy. And Happy Friday!
10 Helpful Hints for Women
- When you get angry over some stupid little pointless thing, I question your intelligence.
- If you think I’m speeding now, you should see me drive when you’re not in the car.
- I don’t ask for directions because I’m just happy to be driving. Anywhere.
- When I mess up, go ahead and tell me – once.
- Shopping is a chore, not an activity.
- When the game is on, we will pay attention to you if you’re nice about it. Bark, and we shut down.
- We crave hugs and hand-holding, too. And no, it doesn’t always have to lead to sex.
- But, you can have sex with us anytime you want. Did we mention that?
- When you call us at work “just to chat,” we’re not really listening; we’re checking our e-mail.
- I’m hot for you, not your sister or your friend or your coworker. I’m just not always good at telling you “I love you.”
10 Helpful Hints for Men
- Don’t be misled: The Olympics do not represent a new status quo of TV sports viewing. When gymnastics ends, SportsCenter will not take its place.
- When I’m arguing with my friend, or sister, or especially your mother, always take my side.
- “Fine” is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
- Although we have swapped saliva, toothbrushes are not meant to be shared.
- Women enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, we’re going to outlive you.
- Nothing says “I love you” like thoughtful, unsolicited little gifts on days that aren’t “special”–anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day. Extra credit if they’re personal enough to show you’ve really been paying attention to us (e.g., A bouquet of our favorite flowers. In our favorite color. Arranged in our favorite vase.)
- There is no such thing as too many shoes.
- Ditto the perfect little black dress.
- We take birthdays and anniversaries seriously. Forgetting either requires serious justification (“My mother had to have emergency surgery”), explanation (“The doctors asked me not to leave the floor even long enough to make a phone call”) and amends (“But I got you a little something from Tiffany’s that I hope you’ll like”).
- Jewelry. Now you always know what to get me for a last-minute gift.